Freezing Point

Almost a month has passed since I landed in the US.

When I had left for India for good about 4 years back, my mind was filled with weird emotions. I was a failure; a certified one... I had turned my back on the land where "Dreams come true" and returning home; with a battered soul and fatigued spirit... armed with nothing but a degree earned with extreme hard-work and honesty. And honest I was gonna be to it as well. I wasnt ready to sell my soul to the body-shopper who makes me a fake resume and gets me a license to hand around in the "land of the free"...

Circa back to 2nd March,08 and life had almost come a full circle. India had been kind to me.. Luck better and life awesome. I was returning after 4 yrs ; almost... I was handling a role better thn my experience commanded and working for a firm earnin more revenue than most others in the world... I had proven my worth; albeit to myself.. and I had a smile much more genuine than the one I had when I left JFK. I was as happy as the definition demanded.. Two months of great experience and I would b flying back to marry my sweetheart..

I didnt knew as I got into my flight what I would feel or how I wud take to being back. Life was moving so fast that I didnt have time to ponder over it...But the flight was long and 16 hours was enough time to go back and let the bitterness come back.. I chose not to..

I had enough of it.. I was coming back a changed man. Bad memories had no place.. I was gonna ensure that they dont.. I was gonna live life King size this time round. I was gonna have the fun I couldnt and see some place tht I should have earlier..

However, once aboard the flight my mind just erased all memories... Two pegs of whiskey and some good food and hefty slumber later; not to forget some 4 movies too... I had landed... @ JFK... the very same place... from where I had left, red-faced, teary eyed, zero confidence..some four years back...

Before even realising the gravity of it all, there I was.. In the same immigration line to get my I94 stamped... I answered all the mandatory questions; picked my bags and glanced at my watch... Five hours for my next flight...

Having nothing better to do.. I stepped out at the airport... Thats when it hit me.. It was still the same freezing, biting, cold country ...I had bade goodbye to.. In a different time-zone, in a different situation and with a different mindset... Today was mine, again..once again.
The freezing temperature wasnt gonna bother me.. not after all I knew i had overcome

Writers block

I had always heard this term and never really believed it. What would stop you from writing... If you like it , you just do. The ideas would flow and things would just present itself out on paper. I never had considered I did have a regular blog ever. I mean I thought one should, would and could write whenever he/she really felt like. I dismissed as blashphemous those claims about I get stuck when I wanna write. That is; till this phenom actually struck me.
It was a given that I would write about any and every thing under the sun that really caught my attention. It may be something that I loved or hated or was quite neutral about. And; mind you it all was flowing very naturally. Maintaining a blog, sharing my thoughts, ideas and my life was all so normal. If there ever was a "Writers Block" it was damn too scared of me....
But I was in a merry world of my own... Lurkign around the corner; it was about to bite me and get me hard. Around October things started happening (quite albeit for the worse). My firm blocked orkut and blogspot and chained my ideas for a while. By the time they were restored I had lost a bit of my zest to scratch my brains and pen them out.
But I had a solemn hope. Life was springing up new things daily and I was sure I shall cxapture it as nicely as I can. Personally, I was entering a new phase of life... I can write about that. India was turning a new leaf around in the T20 world cup.. maybe capture different aspects of that... My job was getting more streamlined and I could keep blabbering about it... Diwali and Christmas were around the corner.. Definitely the time to let your juices flow. Go back to your childhood and paint those vivid canvases once again... But nothing..nothing at alll .. I just couldnt motivate myself to write
I would think of ideas and dissemble them saying " Maybe next time.." There seemingly never was a next time...
The new year approached and I revisited my resolution that I did write atleast one substantial blog every month if not bi-weekly but then like most resolutions this one never saw the light of the day. Broken and shattered in the first month itself... I loveeeeeee sports but no news in it; big or small was makign me write anything... I felt helpless because words had deserted me (They still have and trust me I am clawing something out here)...
I was scaring myself... I felt my 40-50 blogs till date had just been a dream run that did never be repeated. I was a mute observer and remain so all my life. Scary but True

I was exhorting myself to write about something. CUrrent affairs, the Bhutto assasination, but the effort showed up as zilch in the results table, ie till today..

February dawned and with it a fragnrance of Valentines...smeared in parts with venom being spewn by the irrational Raj Thakre. I knew I had to write... and I did... I wrote today,, well nothing about events that mattered but I somehow wrote a few lines
I m happy tht there is hope for the writer/blogger in me to survive. As they say..Hope Floats...

I say Amen to that..
Wish you a peaceful lovable Valentines day

The Gentle Giant sleeps... Bye INZY

No he aint dead or anything, but, Inzy(Inzamam-ul-Haq) would in all probability be never seen on a cricket field weilding his willow.

Needing only 6 runs to take over Javed as Pak team's highest run-scorer, he faltered getting out on only 3. However, even in this he was quite Bradmensque. Inzy has always been my cricketing idol (after Sachin and Lara ofcourse); mainly due to his similarity to me in shape and the way he played his cricket.

Coming from a land where extra visible aggro has always been the norm; Inzy was always gentle in the field and equally opposite in his steely resolve at the crease. Never one to bother running; he has legions of records regarding run-outs. But one thing that has always stood out for me is the time he has to play his shots.

Also his quiet determination to be there till the end makes him an extra special cricketer. I do not want to focus on the non-cricketing aspects of his life and/or his performance as a captain; I firmly believe he would never measure up on those two counts bcos he just didnt have the persona to handle such aggressive positions.

I had a tear when Pak departed in the WC, more so as he retired from the ODI game and today as he walked back one last time; I felt the same. I didnt see the moment but it felt bad reading the score on Cricinfo, nevertheless...

I hope we see his batting exhibitions a lot in those golden knocks et al, cos he truly was a master artisan and it would need special talent to recreate one again.

Euphoria and Heartbreak

Yeah thats what it was for the past few days.

Though I was called the Love Guru; I didn't get to play cupid for any of friends or something. I played this part in my company skit. Its been a week of doing outrageous stuff and if you know me; you would realize thats just the right dose for me to keep going.

It started off very innocuously- small brain storming session to arrive at an idea of a skit for propagating six sigma. How it so transpired that I be the central character is thanks to this habit- yes, of writing... I wrote the part and fantastically enough, got to play the part since I probably wrote it.

What followed was something I had never expected. We actually worked harder than mad to set this 7 minute skit up and etched out roles and dialogs for all and labored on just the right looks and tones and movement. Wow- we almost conducted a self-monitored acting workshop. Soma was awesome in her thoughts and Dhiraj helped us with the music a lot... Rashmi is a bundle of energy. I secretly feel she is on some drug called "LIFE". Samitha and Henry were hustled into agreeing and Shivani became a great partner en route. Boman displayed some awe-inspiring confidence and it triggered some in me. Sheela like always got it all together and it was fab.

Monday was the D day and we gave a kickass performance. But the real fun day was Sunday. I spent more hrs at office that day doing actual work. It was exhilarating the way ideas flew around and improvisations were woven in. By Monday we however didnt even have a decent practice with all of us on stage at same time... Still the final performance was liked by one and all... We were told that we did get a chance to perform on Wednesday to display our talents....We were overjoyed; almost delirious and we vowed that we shall wow everyone....

That was not to be....

Wednesday came with lots of butterflies and aspirations. We knew we were good and we had made it better with better costumes and newer ideas. Just wanted to execute it as awesomely as we could. We knew the time lines and evrything was set. Thats when the huge crushing bomb fell. Mid-way through the total of 5 skits; the senseless dimwit disguised as the organiser of the event got up and announced the results. We were devastated. The whole thing was a sham and we were almost in tears. However., thanks to the great bunch that were me TEAM we put on a show that would most definitely be worthy of highest acclaim. Even after knowing the bitter reality of the results, we all went on stage. It was one of the most defining acts of bravery I have witnessed and I most definitely am proud of these bunch of friends I have made. We proved we would never lose heart no matter how bad things shall get.

To U my friends, MUAHHHHHHHHHHH. U were all awesome.

We during our skit

Sweet September

Why have I reduced blogging? Cos my damn company has blocked the site. Thanks to some smarties I have found enuff cookies/proxies to login now.... SO ye ye ye to that and an even bigger ye ye ye to all Indians- We are the world champs.... so what if it was twenty twenty.... I was totally bowled over by the new format and the win was just the huge icing; all cherry laden on that cake....

What an amazing win.... No thriller in recent memory has been racier and more intriguing... look at the crescendo... Opponents were flayed and grounded to dust in increasing order to their importance. First was England with the super sexy sixer mania exhibited by Yuvi to avenge the recent ODI defeat. Then evaporating all that South African guroor of their superiority to vapor with such amazing audacity that we knocked them out completely... Next shredding Aussie bravado to tatters (though it surely must have fired them for the ODIs; but I don't mind foregoing this series (I hope and pray we win) to be called first ever champions of T20 world cup). What amazing grit and gumption to be showed by this bunch of virtual unknowns (Rohit Sharma, joginder ) and back to fight for glory stars (Irfan, Bhajji, Sehwag etc)....

TO top it we get to play Pakistan; make an abysmal score and fight like lions to pull it back only to hand it back to them and finally win when the spectators almost suffered a stroke.. Cant get sweeter... The happiness splashed all across the country from corner to corner and final culmination of euphoria with the reception accorded to the team at Bombay just about makes this one of most favorite FAIRY tales till date- albeit slightly different cos this one had only Knights and no Princesses.

I dont mind and am sure neither would most of you that read this....

Waiting with bated breath for the Aussie mania to pan out; followed by the Pakis.. I say- Bring it on........

Ab main bilkul budda hoon

I am staring at 30. Ok, not mentally but still. For a moment I can’t believe it is true. However, each seemingly harmless but vicious “Birthday bump” is reminding me with great alacrity that “Times running, nay flying, probably zooming and your sell-by date is almost up.”

I look back… didn’t see anything noteworthy and turned around again. Didn’t see anything particularly bright lying ahead and went into a virtual trance. Birthdays never made me over joyous and particularly so when someone else was happier than me that I was born.

By this time, sumptuous portions of a wonderful cake had been wasted on my half-smiling, half-quizzical face; supposedly to decorate it. Electronic gadgetry had been put to good use to capture this paddle-back to primitivism and embarrass me later.

Roomies wished me and all turned back to their beds. As I lay pondering, I realized it is us that accords meanings to actions. Normally someone kicking me would have been subject to a similar fate at my hands but here I was smiling, somehow avoiding those brutal swaggers. I hardly ever waste food; sometimes even lick stuff of the table and here I was letting a whole big cake slice being wasted completely. I viewed the entire thing in a different light as I knew it was a friendly act. There was immense warmth in the barbaric nature of the celebrations. I guess this is how animals evolve. They realize what’s good for them. I guess that’s why something as gory as hunting suggests immense love of the female tiger for her cub.

I guess… some things don’t have rationale. They are accepted as part of their tokenism, however misplaced it might be. I guess that’s why every little step we depict by actions such as opening of the pass to Pakistan, buying global steel firms, signing the 123 deal and so on and so forth, even though symbolic suggests a far superior self-confident nation. India, widely tipped to be a disaster has not only avoided the gore of its formation but has handsomely carved out a place of eminence in the golbal spectrum today. WE matter, as a country and as individuals.

I am glad I am approaching half the age of India. I would be thrilled if I turn out half as mature and self-confident an individual as my motherland is.

What do I blog?

I am sure evryone that has ever blogged actually faces this question at some point or other. It likes the most basic yet probably the very root of existeniality of your blog; much akin to life. I mean how many of us really know what we are here for. Whats the purpose of my life? I have questioned myself, self-doubted and finally concluded >NOTHING.....

I am sure there are things like chance which we would never decipher. Anything at the extreme ends of happiness or sadness get linked up to fate and FATE being what it is is never explained. It can be a momentous decision (like electing to bowl in world cup final in 03) or catching the wrong train (11/07/06- bombay blasts).... The ones who survive say it ws good fate; the ones that didnt make it I am sure would have attributed the decision to bad fate, notwithstanding that this was probably the train they caught evryday.

Anyways, coming back to what I wanted to talk about, I had made it a point that I did blog atleast once a month no matter what.... June was the first time I defaulted.... Bad fate you see... But, no really, what do I blog about? The eternal dilemma finally caught up with me... Their were things too personal to blog about or too inconspicous.. add to it that I was starting at my new job and Summing it up, no time to write anything...

The few moments that I did open my blog page and wished to pen down a few lines; I was caught up with the "I have so many thots but I dont know how to put it on paper" syndrome. Thats when I realized; the brains thinks analyzes and deciphers meaning far too fast for the fingers to assimilate and type or write out. Its not a coincidence that writers prefer serenity to pen down their works...

Normalcy(orderliness of the world) begets poor writing....Writing is lyrical and fantasy laden... Its a platform for thoughts to peter out, splatter out, gush out or cause a deluge.... Blogging is a via media for non-writers (like me) to express thoughts that stay with my reality but cannot always be presented.

Advice to fellow readers and/or folks that dont blog cause it wouldnt be good- it isnt supposed to be... This aint a breeding ground for writing rather its a dumping facility for expressions.. So let it roll out.. let the world hear what you think...dont bother about the quality of prose or the concept.. There is randomness in thought and this is an Outlet......

A Chapter closes...

Today the heart is restless.. It knows whats inevitable shall happen...Symphony is home to a lot of memories and nice things in my life. Today when I hand over my keys and Id, deny as I may later on.. My eyes would be a lil moist...

This is exactly how I feel right now:

Tears, a few, today shall flow
Some in happiness, some in sorrow

Memories shall haunt at the end of this chapter
Dreams surround for the life therafter

Let me raise a toast for a better tomorrow.


I close my eyes... I walk through the office in my mind... I soak in all my jumbles, fumbles and glories and then I say... GOOD BYE....

Happy Mothers Day

Oh no!!! I am so not a sucker for any of these over-hyped, fantaboulously marketed "show your love" events that the title might be a bit of a misnomer. But then again, its the only thing that sounded apt when I thought that I should write something about the most amazingly selfless relation I know by far.

Moms are special.. we know that and I am guessing to an extent they know it as well. Or else they wouldnt have known the exact times when to throw in that emotional blackmailing lines such as "Dont you wanna study hard and make your momma proud of you OR Yeah, I am only your mom na and why would I care OR I just wanna see my grandkids face before I see HIM (thats dreadful if u r the elder child) OR Have I raised you for this day" and many more.

But this isnt what makes them special. They are special because they mean all of the above said things and if you glance closely you would notice that even their selfishness harbors on them striving for whats best for their kids (According to them).

Motherly love is actually very simple yet most complex. Its sublimely clear yet undecipherable. They want their kids to get married but are always skeptical that the new member would have a share on their baby too. They want kiddos to spread their wings and fly away but all so sure that a bird thats left its nest would probably come back and they cry about that when all alone. They are stronger than the average sustainace in humans would let us believe.

They are the more heart broken than the kids upon their failure and more ecstatic on successes. I singularly am sure that most kids at some point of time or most of the time are in awe of their mom. Moms are creative and supportive of the child's dream than their dads (i feel the patriachal/male-dominated set-up may have led to this as the moms so many unfulfilled desires are colored by the childs finger brush....)

Mother- As a infant you feed on her, as a kid you hope that she makes things fun for you, as a teenager she forms a shield for you against everyones expectations, as a youngster she wants to give you wings to fly and soar for your dreams, as a young professional she wants you to be well settled in life, as a mature person she wants to be known as your mom, as an adult she wants to be playmaker to your kids and then she wants to soar away quietly...

She wants so many things and each of her want and need just strive to make you better....
I havent ever seen such a beautiful equation in math where selfishness = selflessness so brilliantly that Life actually is worth Living.

In Marathi theres a poem that says " Swami tinhi jagancha aaivina bhikari" (God/ master of the universe is nothing but a beggar without a mom). Now I dont know if there did be God but I so know he would definitely be a beggar without a Mom to guide him through.

I probably would never tell my mom how much she means to me; but then again thats so typical of us kids... We assume she knows it because she is a mom afterall...

In passing, If every day was a Mothers day, we would never have witnessed a war cos for a mom everyone is her kid and moms dont differentiate amongst kids...

That could have been me...

Turning on the TV expecting a quietly routine, extremely mundane news bulleting peppered with dollops of scoops abt the Abhiash wedding... I was shattered. Some bizzare pyscho had gone on a rampage killing scores of students and injuring a multitude of others at V Tech, Blacksburg, Virginia. The very news flash sent a chill down my spine. This couldnt be real is the only thing my brain was registering and evrything else was numbed.

Suddenly, every other proceeding seemed unnecessary. The first thought swerved to my friends studying there and praying tht they be alright. The very next moment I was gripped by this huge catastrophic feeling.. At a slightly different time (circa 2002) and maybe a lil different place (Gainesville) and that bullet could have been for me.

Is my life that cheap... anyone can walk in and shoot me cold? Is anyone's life that meaningless? What are we achieving with advances in science and technology if we give equal access to thugs and criminals? Is this progress good then? Was this a one-off, randomised case of pyschotic behavior prevading society or have we turned the clock on humanity?

The more I thought of it.. the more shattering the answers were. I felt this was just one of the terrible manifestations of convulted value streams we are drawing upon. The reflections are there everywhere... Only when they leave an impression do we consider that the sanctimony to be shattered.

I see road rage daily... everyday the drivers veer off showing their strength and supremacy while alluding to knock anyone and evryone in their way; But it gets highlighted only when a super rich brat tramples innocent roadside dwellers. Violence is encouraged heartily through video games and wrestling entertainment; but it makes dreadful reading only when students procure guns and go on a rampage. Rock and hard rock is celebrated till a Kurt Kobain dies only to be enshrined for all he meant; drugs and death.

We abuse evry freaking right we have been mandated to exercise only to shoot the gun over someone else shoulders saying " Him and not me is breaking the limits".. not realising we are pushing ourseleves to a collective pitfall.. Every one is gonna fall; if not today then some day for sure...

Sad is the fact that by the end of the shooting 33 innocents were dead, sadder is the part that we would just move on with lives taking this to be a blip on the Human advancement radar but saddest is the part that not many of us would introspect to find the deadly creature growing in each of us in this jingo-heavy value-less world...

Rejoice we would that thankfully, it wasnt us.... Repent we should that this wasnt the last.....
And some day.. It could be you or me......